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Gaming Guru

 

Jest for Fun

5 May 2012

A guest checked into a Las Vegas motel and was getting ready for bed when he noticed a small book on the night table entitled "The Bedside Companion." On the contents page was a list of articles to read for certain occasions. "If you are depressed and down in the dumps, read page 37. If you are lonesome and restless, read page 54." The man turned to page 54 and read the article. At the bottom of the article he noted that someone had written in a feminine scrawl, "If you are still lonesome and restless, call AP 4-9834 and ask for Betty."

* * * * *

Math teacher to gambler's son: "If your father had $300 and a friend asked him for a loan of $200, how much would your father have left?"

Gambler's son: "Three hundred dollars."

Teacher: "Wrong. You don't know your math."

Gambler's son: "You don't know my father."

* * * * *

In a Monte Carlo casino restaurant on the French Riviera, an American tourist was sitting at a table next to a party of Americans who were having trouble with the French menu. He got up and went over to the leader of the group.

"Excuse me, sir. I'm an American too. And I see you're having trouble ordering a dinner. I'll be glad to help you, if I can."

"No thanks," said the group leader sourly. We don't need nor want your help."

"Sorry," said the good Samaritan. "I thought maybe you did. I just heard you order a flight of steps."

* * * * *

A sign near a casino swimming pool warned: DON'T GO INTO THE WATER AFTER A BIG MEAL! Beneath the warning someone wrote: YOU'LL NEVER FIND ONE THERE!

* * * * *

He: "Do you really believe there's intelligent life on Mars?"

She: "Of course. You don't see them throwing money away in casinos, do you?"

* * * * *

A man came home to find his wife packing a suitcase. "Where do you think you're going?" asked the husband.

"To Las Vegas," said the wife. "I was told I can get $500 to do what I do for you for free." The husband thought a moment then starting packing his bags. "And where do you think you're going?" screamed the wife.

"With you, dear," said the husband. "I want to see how you're going to live on $1000 a year."

* * * * *

Q. What do you call a Chinese woman who hits a jackpot on Megabucks?

A. A fortunate cookie.

* * * * *

A homicide was reported in the Las Vegas Sun as follows: Victim, male; 40 years of age; 6 feet tall; 170 pounds. Cause of death: five aces.

* * * * *

"I have four aces."

"You win. I only have three."

* * * * *

In a casino coffee shop.

"Waiter, take this coffee away. It tastes like mud."

"It should, sir," said the waiter. "It was ground this morning."

* * * * *

Sign seen over the cash register in an Atlantic City bar:

IF YOU DRINK TO FORGET, PAY IN ADVANCE.

* * * * *

Old Gambler's Saying: Nothing new ever happens in a casino. Just the same old things. Only to different people.

Larry Mak
Larry Mak is a former science writer at the California Institute of Technology and he is currently a freelance gaming author.

Books by Larry Mak:

Larry Mak
Larry Mak is a former science writer at the California Institute of Technology and he is currently a freelance gaming author.

Books by Larry Mak: