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Gaming Guru

 

Slotpourri

15 July 1999

A man was playing a slot machine at 3:00 a.m. in a quiet corner of a casino. Suddenly he felt a chill and looked around. He was startled to see a ghost in a red dress pointing to a slot and saying, "Play that one over there."

The man jumped up and ran to the Security desk and told the guard what happened.

"Was the ghost wearing a red dress?" asked the guard.

"Yes," exclaimed the man.

"Oh, don't pay any attention to her," the guard said. "She didn't have any luck picking machines when she was alive."

*****

A lot of people have given up playing the slots because of a new scientific finding. Scientists have proven that two hours of continuous slot playing causes poverty in laboratory mice.

*****

St. Peter was standing at the Pearly Gates greeting new arrivals. To one he said, "Welcome. And what did you do on earth?"

"I was a teacher."

St. Peter said, "Welcome. We have a special place for you."

The next arrival said he was a minister. And St. Peter said, "We have a very special place for you.

The third arrival said, "I was a casino manager."

"Welcome to heaven," St. Peter said. "We have a room for you, but you can only stay three days."

*****

English teacher: "Name three collective nouns."

Student: "Flypaper, wastepaper basket, slot machine."

*****

After a long playing session, my wife loves to go shopping. Last week in a casino mall in Reno, she paid an outrageous $750 for a clock from the Black Forest in Germany. At home, a little bird comes out of the clock every hour and describes her.

*****

A fool who has money to burn will find his match in the casino.

*****

Like most people you probably go to a casino to get away from it all. Only to have the casino get it all away from you.

*****

At one of those family-oriented casinos in Las Vegas, a 7-year old asked her mother, "Mommy, where are the SOB slots?"

The mother thought a moment, then said, "Oh, they just bring those out when daddy plays."

*****

The timeless question: Can slot machines be beaten? "Of course," says gaming guru Frank Scoblete. "If you buy the right hammer and plant one or two whacks firmly on the belly glass, you should be able to get right to the money. A good drill would help as well. This is a great strategy for people who can't wait to go to jail."

*****

Casinos prove the old saying that when you get something for nothing, you're probably paying a high price for it.

Larry Mak
Larry Mak is a former science writer at the California Institute of Technology and he is currently a freelance gaming author.

Books by Larry Mak:

Larry Mak
Larry Mak is a former science writer at the California Institute of Technology and he is currently a freelance gaming author.

Books by Larry Mak: